I don't heart Mondays

I wanted to post some pics of my boys with their matching black eyes and bulging purple temples, but the thought of Child Protective Services taking away my computer (okay, I'd miss my kids, too) forced me to show some restraint. That, and if my mom saw the bumps, you'd be able to hear the intake shriek from three states away.

The boys look like they've each taken a couple of rounds with Iron Mike. Sam's been doing his usual toddler tumbles while breaking the fall with his forehead. He has a perpetual olive green lump above his left eye that just seems like it's a part of him. Max went about 20 mph into a kitchen stool below his left eye and barely missed making this a very tragic blog entry. His eye looks like he's spent an hour or so at the MAC counter and is ready to head to the disco, it's such a pretty blend of ice blue to purple. He was already recovering from taking a toy Airbus 330 into the forehead, so that side of his face is looking pretty rough.

Last night Max asked if he could do "Naked Baby" as he got out of the tub, and before I could finish saying "Let me dry you off so you don't sli..." I heard the rumble and then the splat as forehead met hardwood floor. A giant lump (to match his brother's) soon appeared above his previously unblemished eye. And if that weren't enough to put me on prozac, or speed dial to 911, Sammy decided to practice his Spidey Skills and fall out of the crib last night. Now he's got a bruise on top of a bruise and a very jumpy mama.

Which is why I ran into his room when he woke up at 4:20 a.m. to soothe him back to sleep, rather than let him figure it out like I usually might do. Later, once my eyeballs were officially open, there was the garbage to contend with, this being Monday and all. Two cans, two kids, a ride-on tractor toy and a go-kart later, we were heading down the road. Max got a wild hair up his rocket booster and decided to take off full speed ahead toward our busy road, despite my loud, louder and loudest shouts of "STOP!" etc. So loud was I that I soon found two neighbors helping me, including the one who works nights and is usually asleep until noon. I think I need to bake someone some brownies. And take away go-kart privileges.

We were back in the rennievan and on the road by 8:40 a.m. to take Max to his new "Music and Motion" class at the YMCA, only to arrive and find that there was no class due to a mid-winter break. Funny, since EVERY piece of information I'd received from them had said that classes started today. Especially HILARIOUS since I had specifically asked about it being mid-winter break. And down right SIDE SPLITTING since I'd hauled two kids all the way there and was NOT WEARING A BRA and therefore could not go for a run myself.

And it just gets funnier and funnier as I ask Max repeatedly if he had to use the potty, only to be told after leaving the YMCA, and the gas station, that yes, in fact, there was a urine emergency. Into Starbucks for a clean potty and a skinny latte. Few things make me happier than the smell of coffee, but my oldest offspring told me that the bathroom at Starbucks "smelled good in here". Ugh, I worry about boys. And as I'm waiting for my desperately-needed coffee and corraling the bucking broncos who are taking down displays left and right, I wished to be anyone but me.

A little trick I've learned while mothering these boys: shut the garage door before opening the car door, lest the little ones spy a speck of sunshine and run madly for the great, muddy outdoors. But during our car ride, Max had told me that he'd pooped in the yard yesterday (lovely) and since I was concerned that he'd also been in the neighbor's yard, I wanted to make sure that I didn't need to make a DOUBLE batch of brownies. So poop was properly inspected, acknowledged, and then consensus was made to replicate the experience INSIDE the house today. Preferably on the potty.

I could write an entire blog about poop. Really and seriously. But I'm not there. Yet. Needless to say, victory was achieved, calls were made to Daddy, and pasta was boiled. Ahhhh.

And just think, I still have garbage can retrieval to look forward to today.

Boomtown rats, you sing my soundtrack.

If it hadn't been such an unbelievably tragic week/month, I'd post their video here. But I still have a small modicum of decency in me, despite it being a Monday.